I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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