this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
