At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Randomize
