The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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