Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
