its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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