They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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