he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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