final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
