...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
