It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
