Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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