I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
