im gay
i know
yea but for you.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize