the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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