i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
