So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
