I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
