You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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