Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
