My underwear smells like fireworks.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
