I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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