lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
