I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
