My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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