i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
