Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize