the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
