I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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