If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I AM VODKA MAN
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
