Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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