You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
