i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize