I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
