He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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