I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Randomize
