Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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