sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I cannot find my penis.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
this is an emotional support booty call
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
