I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
