Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
