So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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