I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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