I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
