Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
