Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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