and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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