Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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