I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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