Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
