I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
