I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I pour the whiskey from now on
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
