she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
