It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
