Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
