You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
