I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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