yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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