if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
