oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
