i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
