Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
