So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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