I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
