Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
